Elita vs the Nintendo
by RyuuRanger
Summary: Crackfic. Optimus is obsessed with the NES, to Elita's annoyance. She tries to destroy it, only to find out that the NES is alive and it isn't happy and it wants Optimus as well...
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Transformers. Hasbro does.

"Optimus?"

Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobot Army, was playing Super Mario Bros on the big screen TV.

Elita-1, his sparkmate and Commander of the Female Autobots, was staring at her beloved.

"C'mon! Gotta get the damn mushroom- SLAG!" Optimus hissed as his player was attacked by a goomba.

"Optimus, sweetspark, come back to bed. It's so late…" Elita pleaded, but her protest fell on deaf ears.

"Not now! I just need to get the star to beat these Koopas! Yeah! Kickass!" Optimus cheered as his flashing character ran through the turtles, sending them off-screen.

"That's it," Elita narrowed her optics and stormed towards the Tv. She grabbed the plug and turned off the TV.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Optimus wailed in anguish. "WHY, ELITA? WHY?!" His optics became all watery.

"I am sick and tired of you playing these stupid Earth games! I will not compete with a simple game machine for my mech!" Elita fumed as she grabbed the Transformer-sized NES and threw it out the window.

"MY BABY!" The Autobot leader ran to get it, but Elita grabbed his audio and dragged him back to their bedroom. "LEMME GO! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO RECHARGE! I WANT MY BAAAAAAAAABY!"

The next morning…

Elita opened her optics and rose up from her berth. "Good morning, Opti- Optimus?" She looked at the empty spot near her. "OPTIMUS!"

Optimus was playing his NES once again. "OPTIMUS PRIME!" Elita thundered. "Elita!" He yelped and shielded the NES from his angry sparkmate.

"YOU GIVE ME THAT THING RIGHT NOW!" She screamed. "_No!_" Optimus sobbed. Elita clenched her servos.

"NOW!"

"_No!"_

"OR ELSE!"

"_I won't!"_

Elita growled and brought out her rifle and shot at the NES, blowing it to pieces. "There." She sighed and looked at the sobbing mech.

"You killed my baby…" Optimus wailed. "Optimus, Listen to me." Elita said firmly. "That thing is NOT alive. I am. And I need you." Optimus hung head down and didn't even look at her.

"Now, come on. We're going to be late." Elita grabbed his servo and led the depressed bot out of the room.

As soon as they left, the destroyed NES began to replicate itself and its light shone ominously. "Elita-1… Terminate…" It hummed briefly before shutting off.

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

I do not own transformers. Hasbro owns them.

Elita-1 returned from her duties and stretched her arms. "That was a long day." She smiled and prepared to make some energon goodies.

The NES slowly sneaked behind her, ready to pounce. Elita hummed as she bent over to get a bowl. Suddenly, a laser beam zapped at the spot where her head was.

"WHAT THE-?" Elita rose up to see the NES blinking its light at her. "I thought I got rid of you!" Elita fumed and grabbed the NES.

The NES wriggled out of her grasp and fired lasers at her. Elita dove behind the couch and fired at the NES.

"Optimus… mine…" The NES hummed. "IN YOUR DREAMS!" Elita screamed furiously. She lunged at the NES and began to rip it apart and threw its remains out the window.

"There," Elita sighed as she got up and brushed herself off. She turned around and froze in her tracks.

A Super NES, a Game Boy, a Nintendo 64, a Gamecube, a Wii and a DS were in front of her, lights shining brightly.

"Elita… terminate… revenge… NES…" They hummed at her. "Bring it on!" Elita cocked her gun and aimed it at the console army.

The Super NES pulled out its bazooka and fired. Elita jumped out of the way and blasted it in its cartridge slot, blowing it to pieces.

"AAH!" Elita cried out as a pain seared up in her leg. The Game Boy thumped itself against her thigh hard. Elita snarled and grabbed it. "YOU LITTLE-!" She snapped it in half with her robotic strength.

Then she turned to the N64 and Gamecube and drew out a knife and stabbed the Gamecube and hurled it at the N64, crushing it.

"WHO ELSE WANTS SOME?!" The femme commander roared. The Wii just stood there, staring at Elita.

Elita grabbed her gun at aimed it at the Wii. The Wii pulled out its Zapper and aimed it at Elita. Elita scoffed and smirked.

The Wii pulled out another Zapper and hummed mockingly. Elita gulped. The Wii fired rapidly at its target, who ran like crazy.

Elita pulled out a grenade from subspace and hurled it at the wii, blowing it to pieces. "Damned game machines." She growled and began cleaning up.

Suddenly, a loud crash could be heard behind Elita. She turned around and saw the transformed NES. Its appearance was feminine and it was holding the original Zapper in its hands.

"Optimus….mine…. Elita…. Is in the way…" The NES bot hummed. Elita clenched her dental bands and snarled. "I have had enough of YOU!" She leapt at the NES bot with a roar and tackled it to the ground.

The two bots rolled along the floor, beating the living slag out of each other. "There…can…be…only…one!" The NES bot hummed. "And that's me!" Elita kicked the NES bot off and aimed her gun at its head.

"Elita, I'm home!" Optimus' voice rang out. Elita and the NES bot looked at each other for a moment. Then Elita began to clean up at super-speed while the NES bot transformed back into its normal state.

Optimus opened the door and saw Elita holding a tray of Energon goodies. "Hello, sweetspark. How was work?" She smiled.

"It was tiresome, but I'm glad to come home to my one true love." Elita smiled. "Oh, Opti-" "NESSIE!" Optimus grabbed the NES in his arms and held it to his chest.

Elita clenched her servos and glared daggers at the NES. The NES blinked back at the seething femme. "You little piece of-" Optimus looked at his other self. "Did you say something, Elita?"

"No, nothing." Elita's smile came back in an instant. '_That little slagging machine is good as dead._' She thought darkly.

Tbc.


	3. Chapter 3

I do not own Transformers. They are owned by Takara Inc and Hasbro.

Elita was fuming with rage as she clenched her servos. That damned NES was stealing Optimus away from her! How dare she!

"Damn piece of junk!" Elita seethed as she sat at a booth near a cafe. "That's all Optimus ever thinks about! That thing is driving me crazy!"

Chromia was sitting across her, nodding in agreement. "Yeah, and speaking of game machines, Hide is so obsessed with that Sega thing! I swear, he lives off of that thing!"

"Really?"

"Yeah!" Chromia snorted. "I swear, I'm gonna blow that thing to pieces."

"I've tried that. It always comes back!"

Chromia's face took on a surprised expression. "You too?"

"What, your Sega came back and turned into a psuedo-femme?"

"Yeah! And it tried to kill me with its little buddies!" Chromia nodded vigorously.

"Those things are a menace!" Elita stood up and brandished her guns. "And I am not going to let them steal our sparkmates!"

Midnight....

Elita and the girls were strapped in arms. "Commander, what's going on?" Asked a femme.

"We are going to get rid of those new Earth game machines. They are a threat to Cybertron."

Moonracer widened her eyes. "No... Not my Atari..." She whispered.

"And they must be stopped!" Elita stamped her foot for empathsis.

"Look!" Chromia pointed at the NES-bot as it walked towards the girls.

"Elita, give it up. You cannot win." It droned. "You are small time.

"LIKE HELL!"

Elita drew out her guns and fired at it. But that proved to be impossible, as the NES-bot made a barrier.

"Damn it!" The Femme Commander raged.

Just then, another feminine figure appeared behind the NES-bot.

"Hello, NES."

"It's that slagging Sega Master-Bot!" Chromia cursed.

Sega-bot snorted as she smirked at the weapons specialist. "Yes, it is. And I must say that Ironhide has one hot bod."

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!" Chromia lunged at the Sega-Bot with rage in her eyes.

"_CHROMIA, NO_!" Elita screamed in horror.

The Sega-bot just merely stepped aside as a laser blast sent Chromia flying backwards. "OOF!"

A SNES-bot holstered her bazooka on her back as she stood up. "No one tries ta' hurt Sega but me!"

"Excuse _moi_?" A Genesis-bot glared at the SNES-Bot. "That better had be a joke, _mademoiselle_."

"Hey, move it, you old hags!" A Wii-bot shoved the two aside and brandished her many weapons. "Let the newbies handle it!"

"You got that right, Wee-wee." A PS3-bot snickered as she strode up towards the Lady Autobots. "You are a new-bot."

Soon, the game consoles-turned-bots arrived and faced off against the femme army.

"Well, Elita? Are you ready to give up?" The NES-bot repeated.

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: LIKE FRAGGING HELL! GIRLS,_ ATTACK_!" The two armies crashed against each other, bodies flying through the air.

As the fierce war raged on, Optimus was tossing and turning in his asleep. "Nessie..." He murmured softly.

TBC.


	4. Chapter 4

I do not own Transformers. They are owned by Takara Inc and Hasbro.

"YAAAAAAH!"

Elita punched the NES-bot in the face, her face decorated in a snarl. "DIE, YOU GLITCH!"

"No. I will not die." NES-bot kicked Elita in the abdomen and punched her in the face.

"Lita!" Chromia shouted as she was trying to stave off Sega-bot's attack. "Get off me!" She zapped it in the face as she rolled away from her opponent.

Moonracer was whacking the SNES-bot on the head, cursing at it like crazy. She grabbed the Wii-Bot and hurled it at the PS3-Bot, knocking her down.

Elita let out a gasp as she looked at the carnage around her. Heaps of console bots were lying around, broken and glitching. "Elita, prepare to _DIE!_" Nes-Bot yelled.

"_Frag,_" she hissed, before NES-Bot tackled her and bashed her head into the road.

Chromia roared as she hurled a wrench at Nessie's head, short-circuiting her. "TAKE THAT!"

"P-P-P-P-Pain...!" NES-bot stammered as she awkwardly stumbled around, before she fell onto her backside.

"You ok, Lita?" Chromia helped her friend onto her feet.

"I'll be fine..." Elita groaned.

"WHAT THE FRAG IS GOING ON HERE?!" A new voice boomed.

The femmes turned around and saw Ironhide with a glare on his face, with his fellow Autobots behind him.

"Why are you femmes wrecking our toys?!" He shouted incredulously.

"_Toys?!_ _TOYS?!_ Hide, these 'toys' were trying to kill us and replace us! That Sega included!" Chromia snapped.

"NESSIE!" Optimus screamed, like a horror movie victim. "_OH, PRIMUS, NESSIE!_" He ran to his fallen beloved.

"Primus damn it." Elita growled as she stalked towards him.

"Speak to me, Nessie! Don't leave me!" The autobot commander held the broken Nes-Bot in his arms.

"O-Optimus... I-I love you..." Nessie murmured softly as she shut down.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO **!"

THWACK!

Elita sighed as she looked at her KO'ed spark-mate. "Idiot." She put her rifle in hyperspace as she turned to Ironhide and Chromia.

"Dammit, Mia, what did Sega ever do to _you_?!"

"SHE TRIED TO KILL ME, YOU BUCKET OF BOLTS!"

Prowl facepalmed as he groaned. "I think we learned a lesson here."

"What's that, Prowler?" Jazz asked.

"Too much of a good thing can lead to trouble." He gestured to the fallen console bots. "That, and the cleaning crew is going to have a fit when they see this."

"I just hope that they never bother us again." Elita snapped as she shook her head.

As the Autobots stood around and argued, a flash of red lit up in Nessie's optic, before it faded away.

The end?


End file.
